Disastrous jobs/interviews
Recently reflected on how I've spent most of my work life shovelling excrement. Horse, cow, rabbit, ferret, pig, human, dog (does snail count? Used to own two African snails, god bless, Peter & Judith), bird, and most recently, mouse.
My brother kindly reminded me of this fact when we were catching up outside at home. We were sitting at the table looking out over the view of hills that roll far beyond. A slice of field, yellow with flowers, cut through the green. I wasn't really listening to what he was saying and interrupted, reminiscing about the time when during his GCSE 'revision' period (he was mostly taking selfies for his insta) he had come downstairs to this very same table when my mum, dad and I were having tea together. He had gazed into the distance at the aforementioned rolling hills. We all thought he was gathering himself to recount his hard day's findings on Heller's Catch 22. Instead, he breathed out deeply and said, 'I wish I was a cow'. We also breathed out deeply. A late bloomer, that one.
Once reminded of this Caius snapped back, 'says you who shovels mouse shit all day'. It stung, but it was true. I was working at a gallery nearby, and when I wasn't smarming clients, most of my day consisted of cleaning. And the mouse droppings were everywhere. Not that the actual cleaning bothered me, I'd been a cleaner at a pub and seen enough pubic hairs, lines of coke and skiddies to last me a lifetime, but I felt a little disillusioned that my whole student life had been falsely pumped up with all these glittering aspirations which then amounted to...mouse shit.
Various (mostly disastrous) jobs and interviews I've done over the years:
N.B this is not a CV
2011 - 2020
- Kennels - pretty sure the owners weren't planning on paying me, illegal employment, often let dogs off 'to be free' and then spent many an hour searching
- Oxfam bookshop - decided I needed money, decided to enter my favourite charity bookshop in town. 'Do you have a vacancy?' I go. 'You do know we're a charity and you'd be a volunteer?' comes the reply. 'Yes, absolutely...' Decided not to return for a while.
- Milan law firm interview - after a long call in Italian, the lady goes 'and do you have any questions for us?' Come on Ottilie, knock their socks off with an intellectual question...seeing that this firm deals with legal issues regarding property, I go, 'what do you think about fascist architecture remaining in Italy?' Appalled silence and then, 'why on earth would you ask a question like that?' The phone goes dead.
- Palermo law firm interview - the guy smokes a cigar on his sofa and has an slimy expression throughout the call. We leave. He then whatsapps me: 'una curiosità - sei lqbtq+?*' 'No.' Replies with lots of celebratory emojis...
- Rome artist, found this guy via a dodgey website. Since covid cancelled my other internship I decided to work for him and besides, I'd never been to Rome. When we did the 'interview', I was perched outside the only bar with wifi in an alpine village with a roaring river beside me. I understood nothing due to the internet connection and his gravelly voice, but he seemed to like me. A week later I was on a bus to Rome. On the whole one could say it was a bohemian, extraordinary experience, but something was off.
I met him at his studio near Piazza di Spagna, down an alley with a Roman fountain that Netflix wanted to use in scenes later that October. Among paintings and piles of books and objects we had lunch, plates of figs and prosciutto and mozzarella and tomatoes and melon were laid out with crisp white wine. He didn't stop speaking and I left slightly dazed and unsettled, drained if in wonder. Whenever he said 'woman' he inhaled like he was feasting on something, most of the art he did was dotting paint on old porn magazines, he spoke endlessly of his lovers and the hours of sex they'd have in the studio, said I had 'energetic shoulders', and would continuously hint at us having some sort of relations. It was the dinner with him at his flat that topped it. He said I'd meet his family, but in fact it was just him at home. When the door opened, I saw that not an inch of space was without a candle. The whole flat was bedecked in candles, which was amazing, but the intended romance made me go on to the balcony and vow that I had to run away. Just seeing his name would make me go cold and feel slightly queasy. - Football internship - to honour aforementioned vow, I found another job. Journalism and translation experience, wonderful, in the field of...football. Interesting. I got up at 4am to 'study football' before the interview. At the end of it, the guy asks 'do you like football?', not untruthfully I burble, 'ermm, my friends do...' 'Then, you're hired, the training period is in Monaco!' Three days before the training period, I realise that I have to go to Munich, Germany, not Monaco, France...(in Italian, 'Munich' is Monaco...). Our clients were the Italian teams like Inter Milan, AC Milan, Parma, Bologna and sometimes the national FICG team. We translated interviews, player profiles, stats, club histories, as well as doing the live commentary of games despite me not knowing how the game (or twitter) worked. A dream job for some, and yet I would fall asleep or visit churches during big games. I did try. I studied football hard in my free time and often asked various friends for tips. It wasn't enough however, and after 3 months, they had 'to let me go'.
2021 - 2023
- Chinese film week content creator- know next to nothing about China and dislike watching films
- Gallery job - at times felt like I was in Devil's Wears Prada. I was dealing with clients of insane wealth and improvising to the highest degree when wrapping priceless sculptures and speaking of the work on display. Overheard snippets like 'ohh Callum, did you have a problemo with your voiture? or 'darling you MUST come and see our sculpture, it'll make you fibrillate!' Once, a workman came into the white space and asked 'excuse me, where's the toylit?' to which my tight-lipped colleague took a deep breath, smiled fakely and said, 'down through the gallery and past the ceramics.'
- Tech specialist interview- yet another interview, this time for a job in Tbilisi. I desperately wanted to return there and practise Italian, despite what the job entailed. 'What is your experience with printers?' was the first question that stumped me, since I have none, and I didn't know the word for 'printer' in Italian. 'Who is your fictional hero?' Only Angelina Ballerina came to mind. Surprisingly, I got the job. The weeks prior, was pretty sure it was a scam, as when I was on website of the company, a big banner appeared saying BEWARE OF RECRUITMENT SCAMS. (I was randomly whatsapp messaged by a Georgian guy for this), then said 'recruiter' emailed me and again, the gmail banner went PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS, EXTERNAL EMAIL, sent from outside organisation. I still went to Georgia and it wasn't in fact a scam.
- 1st day of work: A Jordanian guy turns up at the flat and the cat lady shouts at him in Russian to keep the door open for her cats, the neighbour below shouts at him to close it. I translate. I go to work with a kilner jar of beans and a sardine tin. My shoes haven't been dried properly and are starting to rot. Nice first impression. We arrive at 10am and actually start the training after 1pm. I hear Georgian, German and Italian all day, and there are Bulgarian adverts on the computers. While in a training room, a woman bursts in and announces she has an allergy and leaves. No one is moved. Next, a giant cake comes in. Hideously fake, it has the Italian and German flags on it and Xerox, the printer company.
